A Case Study. The worst relationship I ever had with a boss was at a non-profit I interned with a couple years ago. My boss, who I’ll call Theresa, was a distinguished Harvard graduate dedicated to fighting for women’s rights, a time-consuming and often frustrating job. From day one, her incredible intellect and drive both astounded and intimidated me. She managed to be everywhere at once, rarely stopping for such trivialities as lunch or water cooler chitchat. Her passion still inspires me today.

With such an amazing woman as a supervisor, what was the problem? For one, my fear of Theresa’s direct, brusque nature made me reluctant to engage in prolonged conversation with her. I spent many moments hovering just within her office, stammering out half-complete questions as she fixed me with her intimidating gaze, likely mentally counting down the seconds wasted talking to me. Second, given her incredibly hectic schedule, I felt guilty asking follow-up questions on assignments, afraid to waste her precious time. Third, because I had this internship early on in my career and didn’t know what skills I had, I ended up doing basic assignments poorly and unenthusiastically to her great dissatisfaction. On my last day, both of us were happy to see me go.

In retrospect, I can think of several steps I could have taken to improve these three aspects of our relationship. For example, on my last day Theresa took me to an Indian lunch buffet, where for the first time I found myself across the table from her with no distractions, just two people bathed in the scent of curry. Away from the office, she was just a person – nothing more. I could talk to her about her life, her kids, and her background completely stammer-free.

Setting up a coffee date with a busy boss can be a great way to see your boss as a real person, away from the office hierarchy. If you take the time to schedule it in advance, neither of you will be pressed for time, and the non-work conversation will likely improve your working relationship.

Finally, the greatest issue of that internship was the discord between the assignments and what my real skills are. Many of the things I was asked to do I just didn’t know how to do well. However, when assignments matched my abilities, I found I was able to complete them happily and satisfactorily. Knowing your abilities is crucial to internship success. If you understand what you can do, you can pitch projects or ideas to your supervisor that you will do well, and that may directly help the company more than busywork necessarily will. Most of the time it’s not that you aren’t good at your job – you just haven’t applied your talents to the role yet.

A new boss, particularly a very busy one, can appear quite intimidating. As Nicole described above, she never overcame her initial intimidation until it was too late to make a difference in their working relationship. As someone who was once described as an intimidating boss, I have learned a lesson or two about starting off on the right foot and avoiding that label. It begins well before the employee starts his or her first day and involves a bit of effort on the part of both the boss and the employee.

Your relationship with your boss is so important because it determines how successful you are: the kinds of assignments you are given, how much visibility and exposure you get, how much you are paid, letters of recommendation, and how fast you are promoted. And whether or not you choose to have a good relationship with your boss, remember–the boss always wins. That is, you boss holds all the keys to your success – it’s your job to learn how to make it work. Here are some of my ideas for building a great relationship with this important person in your life.

When you are the new employee:

Enthusiasm. While you will take the lead from your boss’ behavior, it won’t hurt to send an email or note to your new boss thanking him for hiring you and expressing how much you look forward to working together. Your enthusiasm will be appreciated and it begins the process of forming a good relationship with your new supervisor.

Managing Intimidation. While I urge you to think of your boss as your #1 customer and an important person for your career success, I also urge you to manage your sense of intimidation and get to know her as a normal human being with a spouse, children, hobbies and interests. Share some of your hobbies, interests, and weekend plans as well. The more things you find in common, the easier it is to build a relationship. That doesn’t mean becoming best friends or drinking buddies. It means knowing enough about one another to have something to talk about other than work assignments.

Performance. Performance–doing an outstanding job of completing your assignments–is one of the best ways of getting your boss’ attention and building a great relationship. Give some thought to the skills you bring to your new position and the best way to use them to complete your assignments.

Thinking ahead. When you have mastered completing assignments that exceed your boss’ expectations, you are ready to begin identifying other important projects within the department where your skills and assistance would be both helpful and welcome. The more you are able to successfully accomplish (without causing trouble with your peers), the more valuable you are to your manager and the better your relationship.

What Steps Your Boss Can Take

Your relationship with your boss actually begins the moment he or she says “yes” to hiring you. Even before you arrive, your boss may take the opportunity to begin building a great relationship by sending an email or note welcoming you to the firm and expressing how much she looks forward to working together. She might send an organization chart and a few other materials that help orient you to the firm and their current projects. She may also encourage you to call or email with questions you might have, which gives you an opportunity to gain a sense of and address any concerns she may have.

Your boss is responsible for setting expectations– the requirements for completing assignments to her satisfaction. Employees appreciate specificity and clarity on what has to be done for their finished products to exceed expectations. Trouble often arises when bosses neglect to specify what exactly must be accomplished, by when, who else should be involved or consulted, and who should be kept informed of progress.

Not all bosses always make stellar first impressions, but if your boss has included any of the welcoming gestures below, he or she has definitely tried to lay the foundations for a great relationship.

Some of the steps a good boss would take for their employee’s benefit would be:

• Taking care to provide a desk or workspace, computer and login, telephone, and office supplies for the first day.
• Being onsite on the first day and spending at least an hour providing an orientation. This will include one or two easier assignments and a moderately challenging assignment to get the employee started with a success experience.
• Introducing the new employee to the rest of the department and describing what each person does.
• Taking the new employee to lunch or coffee during the first week. As Nicole described above, getting to know one another helps lay the foundation for a great relationship.

A good relationship with your boss is incredibly important, and we hope this post has given you at least some idea of where to begin.

APW & NW

Your Success is Our Success.